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Friday, September 12, 2003
I origionally posted these on January 1st, 2002. But in rememberance of 9-11, here they are again.
"Here's To 2001."
copyright Jennifer L. Rose. 2001/2002
Here?s to the past year,
Filled with both evil hate and divine love.
Here?s to the lives lost, the families of victims
Whose souls now rest with God up above.
With this new year that?s about to come,
I pray it brings new hope to all around.
This last year brought terror, immense pain,
As the Twin Towers crashed to the ground.
Though, with it brought an American spirit,
Once dormant within our hearts.
The result of a terrorist?s failed attempt
To pull a country firmly united, apart.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We shall Remember, but never Forget.
copyright Jennifer L. Rose. 2001/2002
A tragic year,
So many lives now gone.
Now it?s past
But the memories live on.
So much heartache
So much fear.
2001 may be gone,
But the pain wont disappear.
As the Twin Towers fell,
We felt it to be surreal
As the Pentagon got hit.
It all seemed so unreal.
Even though it was an attack,
From one who tried to pull us apart.
We band together, united.
Found peace within each other?s hearts.
We are a nation united through terror.
We are a nation inseparable .
The attacker?s goal failed.
Terrorist tried to inflict pain irreparable.
With the new year of 2002
We stand closer than ever as a nation.
We have new hope,
We have a new foundation.
We shall prosper and thrive,
For those who lost their lives.
We shall move on, but never forget
The year of terrorist threat.
Current mood:  touched
10:57PM
its the day after 9-11, and I meant to post yesterday but didn't. I'm simply amazed at my countries patriotism, though. Yesterday, every house on my streat had a flag out, and yellow ribbon tied around a tree or post.
Everyone wants our troups back, I hate to admit it, but.. I'm now seemingly more against the war than for it. Not for the reasons you may think, I'm against it not for peace, but for the lives we are losing. Iraq.. well, let's just say I don't believe there will be peace there any time soon. It's a war torn country and the people who live there have been brain washed by Hussein. We want to make them like us, and that's not going to happen, its not fair to push our beliefs on them.. their religion, their life styles.. its all so different from ours. In some ways I understand their hatred and missunderstanding against us.. They feel we are pushing our beliefs upon them. we are trying to help a country that.. mostly, does not understand, and has been taught to believe we are evil. That's evident by the fact they kill our men just for shooting practice.
Anyway, enough of that. Yesterday, tons of rememberances went out to the victims of 9-11. It still brings a heavy heart, when I see the photographs and video taken from that day. Who would have known that day would change this country so completely. And to think, if they had taken into consideration all the evidence, and warnings.. that might not have happened.
Well, that's it for tonight. I'd write more but I'm really tired. I took the prerequisite exam for the GED, and have filled out a flood in forms.. my eyes are killing me. Grr... damn eye problems.. I'll get the scores of my exam tomorrow, and if they were anything like the pretest.. *cough* perfect scores *cough* I'll be thrilled. (hey I'm a perfectionist!)
Night all!
Jen
Current mood:  tired
Tuesday, September 9, 2003
{rant}AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST WROTE THIS HUGE LONG POST!!! then I clicked on a question mark within the optional settings and lost my WHOLE FUCKIN' ENTRY!!!!!!! *huffs* pardon the language.. But ya know!!! I didn't write for 20 minutes in hopes it wouldn't POST!!! DAMN DAMN DAMN!
{/rant}
Okay I'm done now. I don't feel like retyping it now. *kicks herself* I need a hug.. *sighs*
Jen
Current mood:  pissed off
Friday, September 5, 2003
okay, I am getting rather tired of answering this question.. I've had so many people asking me tonight, and I'm getting rather annoyed. I don't want to talk about people! get over it! No its not my mom, no I'm not ill.. no its not my father.. now stop. GEEZ!
Okay I'm done now..
Current mood: pissed off
okay, I am getting rather tired of answering this question.. I've had so many people asking me tonight, and I'm getting rather annoyed. I don't want to talk about people! get over it! No its not my mom, no I'm not ill.. no its not my father.. now stop. GEEZ!
Okay I'm done now..
Current mood: pissed off
Thursday, September 4, 2003
Ap!!! new format, don't like!!! LOL. when did this happen? *looks around* wooowwww... hm, well thats.. interesting. I prefered the old style, myself.
Oh well.. I need to talk, I don't know what about but.. I need to talk. I'll enter again though, I want to go explore LJ's new format!! brb
Current mood:  shocked
Friday, August 29, 2003
2:26PM
Well, on the search for scholarships and financial aid. I have no money for college, absolutely none. Until the sale of the land goes through, and mom refreshes all the money she took from me, I'm left with nothing.
Today dad comes home, I'd be excited but I can't be. Mom wont allow it, shes bitching about the downfalls of him being home.. Part of me wishes Dad would leave, not for mom, but for him. He deserves better, and it tugs at my heart to come to that realization. Mom is an awsome person, but My mom and dad are complete opposites, and mom wants more. She's said that to me.. sad huh?
I just, there are days I'm ready to yell and scream, tell her to shut the hell up and remind her that I love my father.. but then she'll clam up and nothing I say or do will be right, because I will have thrown my mom into a deep depression... my father and I will pay.
Truth be told, I make my mom sound like a horrible person, and she's not, but she and my father don't mesh. Bottom line, as much as it kills me to think of, she is much happier in the weeks dad is gone. She looks at men on tv, guys that still bring their wives flowers and stuff like that.. and she says out loud "I wish your dad was like that". She points out all the stuff he doesn't do.. yet you she does nothing around the house. I just... They don't yell and scream.. infact, they hardly ever talk. She says I'm lucky to not grow up in a house where people fight, but what she does is just as bad.. she doesn't tell him, she tells me. I'm not a marriage councelor!!! especially for my own parents! I've suggested that too her, she says they've tried that and my dad fell back into his own ways, but she doesn't realize its not all my dad.
I wish I hadn't left my social worker, Karen.. She was able to talk about this, and she plunged into the situation and helped me. I don't know what to do..
Current mood:  confused
Saturday, August 23, 2003
11:30PM
Well, what an odd day. Have you ever had days that just seem.. well, ominous? Everything turns for the worse, no one is feeling the least bit okay..
That's my day today. Ominous. Everyone I know is depressed, Ann was royally pissed off and Depressed, Justin seemed Stressed out and depressed, and I could tell through Chris's SN on MSN that he was depressed to say the least. Then there was my mom.. ooooy.
Nothing much has happened, really. It was a fairly uneventful day. We went out to lunch with a man who employed my mom to type a novel for him. (he's hand written it. shes typing it up and then she'll edit it) THat was rather drab.
Theres not much else. I'm going to go and read for a bit,
And as some of you may notice, yes, I do listen to classical music. Hush.
Saturday, August 16, 2003
11:50PM
Well, I thought I'd write in. I'm back from a week in Boston, and boy I'm drained. Things went well, though. My Uncle and I parted on good terms, from what I can tell, and I made it home safe and sound.
I've had a lot of time to think, during this week I've been gone. Between the airports, and the time at my uncle's... I've been thinking alot about my religious, my relationship with God. I've strayed from Him, quite far, quite fast. I'm using Christianity as a "title", more than as a need, if that makes sense. Isn't it amazing how fast one can do that? I find myself wondering.. "How do I know He is real?" and looking to my other Christian friends for that answer, In all truth, they aren't where I will find the answer, I'll find that answer in my heart. It's just so hard.. humbling though.
I am quite proud, though. I handled everything really well, the connection flights, all the people.. I handled it fine. I walked away from this trip with a sense of self, a realization that I can do it, if I really want to I can. I guess after sitting home for 5 years, I lost that sense, you know?
I also realize it will be very hard to leave my home, for college or for a life of my own....
ANyway, I'm off to bed, I need to go to bed. it's quite late and I'm still drained from this last trip. Ill tell you about my new found car (heheeee) when I get online tomorrow. :-)
Night!
Current mood: tired
Wednesday, August 6, 2003
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
LOL.. Okay, if you say so.
Yes, I'm bored, What of it? LOL Will right more later. LOL
Current mood:  bored
Thursday, July 31, 2003
Do I seem like I'll be there for everyone? no matter one? I really feel like a door mat. I'm there to brush the crap and dirt off your shoes, before you walk in the door, into the rest of your life.
I just.. I'm so tired of all this. Everyone thinks nothing of ignoring me. As if they know I'll fall right back into their trap of "I'm sorry"s. I strive so hard to be excepted, and I try so hard to be understanding, setting aside my needs so that I can achieve my main goal.. feeling needed and excepted. Comfortable with who I am. In the process, however, I've seemingly become a door mat. Friends, now, think absolutely nothing of signing off without so much as a brb or goodbye. Friends think very little of making me wait for an email they promised they'd write me a month ago. What is it about me that makes people not care that I'm sitting and waiting for that email or phone call that never came?? I guess I don't demand enough, but all my life, when I demand, I only lose. I speak my mind, only to get yelled at. I ask, I get yelled at. How dare Jen want more attention. How dare she doesnt want to stand 10th on the priority list of her friends, next to birthday parties they never invited her to, next to get togethers they invited everyone else to, and movies they wanted to see.
Okay, yes. I'm pissed and I'm hurt. I'm already having promises broken right and left tonight. 4 people have said they'd email me. I'm not getting their emails, I'm still waiting. .. And tonight, every single one of my friends was saying"omgosh thats horrible! they haven't written at all?" or.. "omgosh, he just left you hanging for an hour before saying one thing?" .. and then, they turn around and do the same damn thing. hell, Jen will forgive me, she'll understand!
Yet, I still get on at 7, every night like a little puppy begging to be pet, I'm here. Waiting and hoping that the people who mean most to me, will bother to show up and dedicate an hour of their time to saying hi. These people appear 10% of the time. Why? because they know that even if they don't decide to show up at the promised times, little pathetic Jen will be there. Willing and ready to talk, anxiously awaiting their presence to talk to.
How pathetic am I, that the people who mean the absolute most to me, are soley, 100% online, next to my family?? How.. completely beyond words is that? Go ahead and say it.. I already know.
Funny, even as hard as I work to keep the friends I get, they drift away. I guess I shouldn't do this, but I can't help but look back upon the friends I've had, and cherished. So many friends, From brandy in the 1st and 2nd grades..Amy in the3rd or 4th, Nicki, micah desire, Mel.. Countless others... All having drifted away from grasp.
I guess I've just reached a point where I'm beyond waiting around just incase one happens to show up. I'm tired of waiting for a phone call to come that always seems to be canceled last minute. Waiting for someone from offline to finally realize I'm an okay friend, and not only call or get together when they want something.. . What the hell is the point? hm? they all drift away eventually. No matter how close your bond to them is for the first 1 or 2 years. They drift away, find other people that are "better" for them, or just cut you off all together, for no apparent reason other than you got too comfortable with them and let down your guard.
This waiting is destroying me, but what else can I do? Nothing, absolutely nothing.
Current mood:  lonely
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
We had a massive storm this morning about 7ish. Straight line winds of up to 90 mph, and Collierville, my city, was hit hard. 70% of the people are out of power, though lucky we are in 30% with power. Trees are down everywhere, these huge, gorgeous oaks are snapped in half as if they were toothpick. My county has been declared a disaster area, with at least 1 million dollars in damage estimated. The people without power may be out for at least a week as the power lines all over southern Shelby county have literally been snapped in half, poles ripped out of the ground or snapped in half. Only two fatalities, thankfully. One was 72 and pinned under a tree while asleep in his bed, the other one a 2 month old child who died from a fire in the apartment.
Also, parts of downtown have been evacuated because a 500 foot crane is leaning to the east, and sways with the slightest breaze. The sites around here are incredible. I've never seen winds of that intensity. the rain was hitting my window so hard it sounded like my window would break.. the sites around here are just incredible.. if you want to see pictures, http://wmctv.com/ , our local news station has a few pictures from Collierville. http://wmctv.com/Global/story.asp?S=1370326 has some pictures as well as http://wmctv.com/Global/story.asp?S=1370472 . the later link shows Halle Plantation, which is about 5 minutes from us.
Incredible, eh?
Current mood: shocked
Monday, July 21, 2003
7:09PM
Why is it that life is so much like a rollercoaster ride? There are so many ups and downs, spiraling in and out of control. It's like you are on a rollercoaster ride, and you can't leave. Even when it stops to let people off, you stay. Some people stay on a few rounds because of you, but then they give up and leave too. Maybe waving from the ground time to time. Their lives change, and they seem to just vanish most of the time, when they do show up, its just to wave.. nothing personal. They say you are a close friend, but they neverseem to treat you like it for long..
Yes, I've had a shitty day. My mom is in the bitchiest mood, depressed as all hell. Everything I do is wrong and its really really dragging me down. I just need a hug, but there is no one here to turn to, again leading me into that endless downward spiral as I lead my mind into the rutt I'm in. I need a hug.. no one to hug.. no one has been there for 5 years.. except online, I need someone to talk to.. no one to call without "permission". I'll have no one until I get to college, College?? ha! you arent even out of highschool yet, you would be but you have to take the GED.. can't take the GED yet, you have to study. You cant study, you need meds to study. You have to wait three weeks for your meds to work.. and if they don;t then you've wasted three weeks. maybe you should get a job, you could get a friend while working.. well, no... no.. cant get a job, parents said no until I have my GED.. SAME FUCKING CYCLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Over, and over, in an endless circle.
As I pray each night, I realize how my prayers have changed. I used to pray, and ask God if I could have even one friend, someone to call or hug. I gave that up, after about 4 years. Now I just ask why I am here, why He seems to be punishing me for something. Or maybe its me, maybe I'm just driving away all the people God sends me..
I hear all my other online friends say "I went to the movies" or "I went to the mall" or "I did.." with friends.. and I just feel my stomach turn.. How pathetic.
There also is an endless cycle with Social phobia.. see, I'm more self consious because I dont have friends so I dont feel worth much. The only self worth I do claim is because of Justin..
I dont know, I've never been one to give up, but.. God damnit I'm getting sick of this!!!
Current mood: lonely
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
Torn is my heart,
While by the window I grieve.
No idea did I have,
Of the love I'd receive.
Young was his soul,
So give up he did not.
So hard he tried,
He fought, oh he fought!
But his body said no,
So he shut his eyes.
Now on lives his soul
In God's love filled skies.
Fly free my sweet bird,
Suffer no more.
Free of your pain,
Forever shall you soar.
Written for my best little feathered buddy.. Baby Rose. Died July 15th, 2003. Soar free my little bird..
Friday, July 11, 2003
12:04AM
Well, I'm online at midnight. I can't sleep. Too many things are rolling through my head, and my brain wont shut up!! Dont you just hate that? And they are nonsense, who cares things.. "I wonder how my bike is, gosh I forget what its colour is, blue? yeah,, blue, of course! What you thought it might be pink? but then again you cant see certain shades of blue, so maybe... naw.. its blue.. what shade though? light? dark? I cant remember.. Jen, shut up and go to sleep"...
Hate that
Dad is starting his summer round of classes... hes teaching in Indi, then hes home for a week, teaching here in memphis. Then they send him out to Indi again, and then off the philly. Inbetween all that, hes going to make time for me.. He came across an interesting thing through one of his RC groups hes on.. They want a "beginner" RC pilot, and I've flown RC planes, and learned a bit through dad about them.. like what ailerons are, and how to connect a battery, but never actually built one. Well, he signed me up to make a review on this one RC airplace, Firebird.. (see picture --->  ) http://www.atbdiscounts.com/firiircair.html (link to info on plane) . The review will be published online for all to see, and the cool part is, I get the plane for free. Dad will help me write the review.. I'm actually excited.
Okay, just so you know, ever since I was a little girl, I have been facinated by airplanes, thanks to my father. Its been something I used to connect to Dad.. one of the few interests we share. Now, with the RC stuff, it not only interests me on its own, but its very inviting, because it means time with my father. No mom to get in the way. It's funny, I mention that I want to go fly with him his eyes light up, and a smile crosses his face. (RC planes, people, not a normal airplane.. though we have one of those, its not entirely built yet, and its in california.. helpful.. oooh so helpful.)I guess it's a way to make him proud.. I've failed my parents in many other ways.. or at least I feel I have. To see that light in his eyes, and that kid-in-a-candy-store smile on his face is worth everything..
Well, its another summer of disappointment.. Mom had made plans to take me up to Toronto where I would meet Justin, after 4 years. Now we can't afford the trip, and when I told Justin, he said he cant come down here again either. Its left me feeling completely lost, frustrated and somewhat bitter.. To top it all off, after countless times of trying to catch justin, the only time we've talked about it is through email.. so I'm just overwhelmed.. so overwhelmed.
I guess I just feel lonely. The fact I have no offline friends sets in more often than not.. I feel like a total loner... and I'm not sure if I'm being punished for something, or what.. but after 5 years, you think God would allow me just one friend I could call up when I felt the need. Without having to "make plans" and feel like I'm interfering withtheir life. I just need SOMEONE who will be there for me, like when I lived in california.
Oh well.. eventually I'll get out of the damn rut I'm in.. until then I'll do the same thing every day. Get up, take my dog downstairs, play with my dog while I laze on the couch, read a book .. come 7 I go upstairs and get online to talk to my online friends.. (most of you guys have drifted away too though. actually gotten a life! a real one!) 10 oclock and I head back downstairs to say goodnight, let my dog out... come back upstairs, check email one last time, and go to sleep. I try to study, but its impossible. As hard as I try, the words are seen, but arent absorbed into my brain and its damn frustrating.
Okay.. enough ranting and pity parties... one more thing before I sign out, and turn off my life until tomorrow night.. I found a little mocking bird, probably about a month old, stuck in the fence. You know how wood fences have grooves/slats inbetween the wood planks? The poor little thing had his head wedged inbetween them, and was slowlky struggling himself in further and further.. it would have been sure death, but for some reason I got an urge to go outside.. and that was the first thing I saw. THis poor little bird.. well, he also had a wing stuck..
So I got him unstuck, but he squirmed out of my hand while on the other side of the fence, so now I had to drive all the way around the block to get to the other side of the fence... 6 inches away. (oy what I'll do for animals) Mom stayed in our yard and watched him, until I got home. Then we feed him some babybird food, and set him up in an aquarium we had around the house. Later I fed him a wax worm, (soft, grub looking worm) and after playing a bit with it, he ate it.. along with 3 or 4 others. He's(she's?) a darling little thing, and not too scared of humans yet. Tomorrow begins a great hunt for what other goodies he;ll eat. :-)
well I'm off to bed. Noone whos online really cares that I'm here, so I might as well get some sleep. Night all, if anyone actually reads this.
Current mood: lonely
Saturday, July 5, 2003
7:01PM
I HATE HOLIDAYS!!! They are shear hell around here. Why? My mother. She's the grouch.. I swear she's the female version of scrudge.. Nobody ever does anything right.. On 4th of July, all she did was bitch. Bitch bitch bitch. "I hate Tom" She said as our neighbour was shooting off fireworks. We won't mention last year we did the same thing, and the year before that, as well... Though if I remember she bitched and griped about that, as well. She didnt even go out in the yard to watch the major county fire works, I went out on my own, Dad followed with the camera soon after, catching the better half of them.. . "Oh big deal" she said. I wanted her out there, if only to spend some time with her and dad, as a family. I guess that's asking too much. Last night dad actually had some small bottle rockets, he loves to set them off, I suppose its a guy thing.. but he didn't, figuring if mom "hated" tom for it, what would she say to him? Well today he just couldnt stand it, and snuck a couple (3 to be exact) outside and set them off. I love the look of joy he gets from them, but that oy only lasted 2ish minutes. Why you ask? Well, after he helped me cover the pool we both went inside, only to mom's " fuck you, you bastard" look on her face... and an immediate "why did you lie to me??!?!?!?!!". My father's look was just about heart breaking.. she said "you hurt toby!" (that damn chihuahua who now takes presidance --sp-- over any one else in this family.. I wasnt even loved and protected as much as that thing) ... SHe was apparently trimming his nails, and he jumped... Yeah, dad REALLY knew that was gonna happen..
In all honesty, when she asked him if he was setting off fireworks, I think he said no for one of two reasons.. because he actually wanted to have some fun... or two, because he was kidding, figuring she wasnt stupid enough to not notice the firework's back and lighter under under his shirt. Either way, I couldnt stand my dads look, and my mothers bug eyes, so I took my dog and left. I immediately came to enter in my journal, so I am still in my suit.
As I walked up the stairs,Dog in hand, I just burst into silent tears. I hate holidays, if only because instead of the gleeful holiday chear, we get bitch fests and loud dissaproving huffs from mom's corner... it's not just the 4th, oh no.... Halloween we now shut the door and turn off the porch light. Not because mom doesnt want to hand out candy all night, but because "they are greedy brats". Christmas shes just downright depressed and doesnt much care. She even got pissed about the ice cream man, dinging his bell to the children....
Last night I finally was saying "oh just call the cops, its the only way you'll stop them!" if only to stop them so she'd shut up.
Maybe its because holidays mean family.... she never does anything with me, unless there is someone shes trying to impress... Like when my cousin was here, she took us to the zoo, she went bowling, she played card games... but it was because of amy, not me...
*heavy sigh..* door bell... gotta go. bye
Current mood: sad
Friday, July 4, 2003
10:23PM
The fireworks are a blazing.. Not the Legal ones, mind you. They just ended.. This will be a long night. My poor puppy is scared out of his wits. Our idiot neighbour is setting off a BUNCH, and it's illegal here. HELLO PEOPLE!!! IT'S ILLEGAL FOR A REASON!!!!! 2 people in Memphis/Shelby county have lost homes today, due to idiots like my neighbour who set off illegal fire works..  Tom, the neighbour, has massive ones, that wouldn't be legal anywhere.. and he almost set one of his bushes on fire. (LOL would have served him right considering his house is for sale.  )
The fireworks display run by the city was okay.. blah compared to the ones in bigger cities like LA, but an electrical display non-the-less. I think I got as many mosquito bites as there were fire works though. (grr  )I am a fiest for mosquitos.. Lucky me.
Well, I suppose I should go calm my poor puppy. I wanna talk to someone, but nobody is on. Justin is gone for the weekend, and he didn't reply to my email dangit!! I need to talk to hiiiimm and now I gotta wait until monday. LOL. Me? Impatient? Naw.. 
Current mood: tired
Wednesday, July 2, 2003
LOL there are bugs dancing on my comp screen, because its the only light in the room. Dont you just love to hear that? LOL um.. or is it, read? whatever..
Boy is my life strange. Nothing ever seems to work out for the best. Mom said I was going to meet justin, but now, the trip we were planning is too expensive. DAMN IT. I dont know what to hope for, or what to believe any more, and I hate.. absolutely hate disappointing him. I told him we were coming.. as of last night, we were. This morning I come down stairs and mom tells me it would be cheaper if he came down here and we paid his way.. She even called him and left a voice mail.. it was to him and his parents.. I really hope that goes okay. LOL.. I'm worried about that. I was anxious all day, because I wanna just see how ths all turns out. ARG. I dont want to have to wait another year to meet him, I cant wait another year. Its been 4 already!!!!
Well its late, I'll blab more tomorrow. Love and laughs,
jen
Current mood: blah
11:37PM
You are a dark writer. A fierce and loyal follower
of Poe and the other gothic authors, you LOVE
to instill a sense of revulsion and somewhat
fear in your readers. You love to poke their
brains with logic dealing with the darker side
of the human mind and character. Truly
surprising and a true individual, you'll do
ANYTHING to create a scene. :)
What's YOUR Writing Style?
brought to you by Quizilla
Uh... right.. yeah. LOL.. nothing like me. *sigh* whatever...
Well, its been forever and a day since I've written to ya, but I've been inspired by Jen to do so, and I feel like spilling my thoughs onto to the blog.
Funny thing, though. I'm not sure where to start. My life is dull, and my thoughts go so fast I cant catch them to put them down.. Grr irritating.
okay, next post I'll send in just a sec.. have to restart.
Thursday, June 5, 2003
11:37PM
For some reason I was really depressed today.. lately I've been asking God, and asking myself in silence why it is I have no friends offline.. a friend I can call up at any time and vent my problems to. a friend who will call up and do the same.. someone that I can go do things with. I long for that.. A best friend offline..
It sounds stupid, but I havent watched wheel of fortune this week for one reason.. it was best friends week... with best friends working together.. all of them teens.
I'm just tired of having to picture myself with people.. longing and praying for the day I meet them. I'm tired of meeting people in stores and thinking to myself "maybe you are my friend God meant for me.. maybe?" and then having the conversation end, and the person walk away..
I'm tired of being a loner.. I havent had a friend In my own state for 4 years, my God what am I doing to deserve this??? hm? what?! I get so angry, so hurt, thinking about it. everyone says "dont worry, you'll have a friend eventually until then you have me" or.. "oh, sorry". No body understands, they all have friends they go to the movies with, or call up and talk to. They have someone they can call without having to use a phone card.. People tell me.. "well go to the mall and make friends" or something along those lines.. but its not that easy!!! its not! I'm homeschooled, I'm scared of speaking to people my age in groups.. I'ma loner and just plain tired of it.. I'm about to just give up and settle into the fact that the only socialization I'll get from now on in is the internet, until I finally get away.. finally get to meet people from online.
And dont get me wrong. I love you all dearly-- especially you Justin. You are my life, and everything I work toward.. I really just want someone (as a friend, dont worry).. near me..
Okay I'll shut up now...
Current mood: lonely
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